Vacations, Forsaken Babies, and The Weepies

(Another letter for my son.  From your Future-Mom)

I'm sure that one day Nolan is going to grow weary of my pearls of wisdom, gentle nagging, and general lessons from my years of experience at trying to be a person.  But for now, he has yet to show a strong grasp of the English language, and so I am forced to write down whatever it is that I someday wish to impart to him. 

First off, let me say that it is not my intention to be self-involved and whiny.  But most writing IS self-involved.  And for me, at least, it is a way of expunging fungus-y thoughts from my brain.  Like a good cry---you just feel better afterward.  So with that disclaimer in place:  It is no secret in our house that I appear to have been an emotional wreck, of late.

I don't deny it.  But it has been driving me crazy trying to figure out why.

. . . We have had deaths in the family in the past weeks, and I know that weighs on the minds and hearts of many in our family.  There are sicknesses, and there are deaths.  I believe it was Kermit the Frog that said that "In this life, there are meetings . . . and partings.  That is the way of it."  (He says it when Tiny Tim dies.)  It was from A Muppet Christmas Carol, which is one of my favorite movies ever. 

And, just because I have been on a huge Jim Henson kick today (---Seriously.  I've been watching my favorite songs on youtube, and scenes from his memorial, and crying.  Like I told you---currently a nutcase.---), here is one of my favorite songs from that movie.  Every Christmas I sing this song while I'm putting up decorations.  And sometimes on birthdays.

. . . and sometimes in the bath. . .

(It's a good song.)



But once again, as I am wont to do, I am getting off-subject.

In a few days, Michael and I are going on vacation for the first time in 2 years.  It is also going to be the first time I have ever left you for this long, and I am scared.  (You are staying with your grandmother, and I know you are in good hands.  I know you will be safe.  I know that this is a common reaction.  But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.)  So what I'm saying is that, in addition to having a bad case of 'the weepies,' I have also been a teensy bit over-sensitive, and might have POSSIBLY made an ass of myself last night to your father. . .

POSSIBLY.  Just possibly.

However, when he left for work last night, I was still mad, and utterly and completely convinced that I was in the right.  (*I am not saying now that I was NOT in the right.  There were many grey areas.  Mistakes were made.*)  I was mad.  I hardly ever get mad, but boy, was I mad.  I considered cutting the sleeves off of all his best suits.

Couldn't even eat dinner.

I was just THAT mad.

Then somewhere over the course of the evening, I turned the incident over in my head enough times to see it from a different angle. 

This was a very unfortunate turn of events for me.

Made it practically impossible to hold onto my 'mad.'

Then I remembered how much I love your dad.  Remembered how happy he makes me.  Realized that maybe I should've handled some things differently. . .

Shit.

(You are not allowed to use that word.)

Long story short, I got up with you at breakfast this morning and, since your dad had worked all night, I had to wait for him to wake up, so that I could apologize. 

Shit.

(Again, don't ever say that.  It's a bad word.  I'll try to stop using it.)

He slept until almost 1:00. . . and it was excruciating.  Just waiting.  Telling him I was sorry was the only thing that was going to make me feel better.

(I am all about feeling better.)

So what I want to say to you boils down to this:

There is no dignity in too much pride.

When it comes to relationships, and the person you care about most in the world, it doesn't MATTER who's right.  What matters is that you, and the person sleeping next to you, are happy.

So, if you turn out to be anything at all like me---keep two hands on your tongue.  Don't say things you can't take back.  The fewer lingering things out there that you regret saying, the better you will sleep at night.

There will be instances where you have to decide:  Is this something worth fighting over?  And sometimes, it will be.

But most of the time---it's just not.

So when you can't figure out what to do, just remember:

Nobody's perfect.  You aren't expected to be.  But don't expect the other person to be, either.

Let logic dictate.

Let love guide.

. . .

Let us hope your grandmother's pantry is fully stocked with Saltine crackers. . .

=)