Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Love is patient. Love is PATIENT. LOVE IS PATIENT!!!!

Good morning, interwebz  =)

. . .I trust you slept well?

Me?  No. . . I didn't really sleep well, sorry to say.  Because I slept on the couch last night.  (It is wonderfully comfortable, as couches go.  But it makes a less-than-desirable bed.)

I was just having a hard time relaxing, felt super-wired, and generally couldn't get comfortable.  After a little while of this, I moved to the couch, so at least maybe Michael could sleep.

I actually don't even know why I'm writing this post. . . my head feels far to confuzle to do more than string together simple sentences.  I don't think I can handle a cohesive theme, or anything even approaching a purpose today.

There's LOTS on my mind.


Not the least of which is that at 10:30 this morning I will be meeting with my doctor to discuss the results of yesterday's MRI.  I'm sure there is probably nothing wrong. . .   But it's that kind of nervous that you just can't shake.  I won't feel better until I am getting back in the car after seeing the doc.

So I'll just have to suck it up until then.

What else?

The baby's been sick, and is on antibiotics now.  But I honestly don't know whether he will be feeling well enough to trick-or-treat tomorrow night. . .  I guess it just depends on him, and on how cold it is outside.  (I REALLY would like for him to get to go. . . even though he'll have NO CLUE what is going on.  He'd still enjoy the spectacle of it.  And in our neighborhood---It IS a spectacle!!  And I would LOVE to see him dressed up in his little Yoda costume!!!)

(Yoda Grey)

What else??

To be perfectly frank, I've been feeling very disconnected from my husband lately.  It sucks, and it's a lonely feeling, and I just want to set everything right again.  But it's just one of those things that we're going to have to figure out.  And I only share this because, in the past, lots of our friends have said things like:  "Oh, you guys have a perfect relationship!"  . . .

And we DO have a good relationship---it's true.  I have loved him steadfastly, completely, and unfalteringly, practically since the day I met him.  But it is NOT "perfect."

Because "perfect" doesn't exist.

We are human.  WE aren't perfect.  How can our relationships be?  A relationship is not static.  It is ever-changing, and constantly growing and evolving.  It is never exactly the same from one day to the next.

One of my issues is that I've been getting really aggravated at what I perceive to be his issue with my complete lack of perfection.  (Baby--You are a perfectionist.  You know it's true.  And that is completely daunting and potentially hazardous to an all-over-the-place, erratic-flight coffee-faerie like me.)

 The simple fact of the matter is that I KNOW I am impossibly and hopelessly flawed.  I know because it's been pissing me off for more than 35 years.  And while I can ALWAYS improve, and ALWAYS refine certain behaviors, I just can't get around the fact that MOST of my flaws are things that I have been wrestling with for my entire life.  Which means that they are most likely not going to change.  Which means that, yes--I can improve upon them, but no--they are not going to go away. 

And what it boils down to, basically, is the ability to love and accept the person (me) despite ALL of her screaming inadequacies (and they are legion).  Because that's what love IS

See the good, support the person, forget the rest.

And I really just didn't feel like my precious mate was doing a bang-up job of "forgetting the rest."

. . .I felt like he couldn't WAIT to point out my next mistake.  Couldn't WAIT to jump on my next foible.  Was constantly anticipating my next fuck-up.

He was expecting me to be perfect.  I could never be that.  I could never live up to that!  He was demanding.  He was fault-finding.

He was, he was, HE WAS.

. . . .

Then the proverbial lightning finally struck me.
(Took it bloody long enough.)

What was *I* doing?

I was expecting HIM to be perfect.

(Ouch!  Right in the pride!)

I was expecting HIM to know how to deal with me on all levels, at all times.

I was expecting HIM to handle difficult situations without ever faltering, without ever NOT knowing what do.

*I* was being unfair


Jeez, it really sucks when you realize things like this.

Because once you KNOW, you can't un-know.

*I* have to "be the change I wish to see in the world."  *I* have to practice patience.  *I* have to accept him as he IS, warts and all, and NOT expect him to always know how to handle every situation that arises.

And I have to keep the good, throw out the bad, and accept and appreciate everything in-between.

And I can DO that.

Hell, I'm CRAZY about him.  I have been for YEARS.  =)

So I will remember the Buddhist teaching of "Feel the feelings; throw out the story."

And I will once again keep this teaching fixed firmly in my mind:

And I will appreciate the man I love for what HE is:  a human.

Imperfect, maybe.

But still a damn good one.

And he can keep right on judging me until the day I die.


1 comment:

  1. Ahh same shoes we are in ;) our friends call us perfect too...it's a big ol thing to live up to...