Monday, September 5, 2011

Letter to my first-born son, written June 15th, 2011

Oh Nolan, My Grey <3 <3 <3

You are both a miracle and an enigma to me.  I sit here at work, scant DAYS away from being 8 months pregnant with you, and AT LAST (!!!) able to expect your arrival within the next 4 or 5 weeks!  Looking down at my overly rounded belly now, I see what might be your hand or your foot travel across the side of my abdomen.  These tiny things help to remind me every day that you are REAL!  You are MINE!  And you are almost HERE!!  And you are just going to be one of the most LOVED, CHERISHED, and ADORED babies to ever live on this planet!!

I have spent more than half my life wanting to be your mother, Nolan Grey.  And I promise that, though I will never be perfect, I will work as hard as I can to be the best mother to YOU---and to make sure you know how much I love you each and every day that you're alive.  . . .To be perfectly honest, even at this late hour, I am STILL awed and AMAZED that the reality of *YOU* has happened to *me*!

One day. . .I will tell you the story of how I wished, and prayed, and WAITED on you for years and years and years and years.  And I will tell you the story of how I *almost* gave up on hoping that I would ever get the chance to see you or to know you. . .  This was the source of a very deep, and very personal, sadness in my heart for more years than I care to count.  . . .


In my deepest heart of hearts, I NEVER stopped carrying the Hope of YOU.  I carried the Hope of You around in my heart, every second, and every millisecond, and every month, and every year for seasons innumerable. . . and from time to time, as the years wore on. . .I DID despair.  But the sweet Hope of You kept me strong---stronger than I think I might've been by myself.  And so I carried on.

Carried on into so MANY uncertain tomorrows. . .  Grey days and bleak avenues, and long seasons of sadness that I feared might never end.  Dark days I faced.  And faced.  And FACED.  And then Dark days I rightfully escaped.  And suddenly I looked up one day to find myself ARMED!  I had spent these years armed with Books (beloveds, and true friends), and Music (which has been my joy and my salvation again and again and again), armed also with Humor (the laughter that kept me sane), and always, always armed with the Locket around my neck that held the Hope of You, my dear Grey =)

And then, on some sunny afternoon in the not-too-distant future, when you are young and strong and brilliant, and carry in your pockets the laughters of a thousand different days, I will sit you down and tell you the story of how I met the love of my life.  Your Father.  And how from the moment we met. . . I *knew*.  I knew it was Him.  The same Him that I had spent my entire life looking for, and the very same Him that I had waited my entire life to finally meet.  His name was "Michael", but to me he was The One, and I knew it as well as I knew my own name.  As well as I knew, from our first meeting, that my place was with Him.  That this man was my family, and my home.  And I would never again in my life want to live without him.

And he chased away my nightmares, and he reminded me how to laugh when I had quite forgotten how. . .  And he gave me FAITH again, in all things good and true.  And he renewed in me my passion for both Life and Laughter. . .a passion that had lain high on a shelf for misty old months on end. 

I had found everything I ever needed or wanted in Him.

. . . .

And STILL I held on to the Hope of You.  Because You were the ONLY thing missing to make all of my dreams---even the ones I thought never had a chance---come true.  =)

So I love you Nolan Grey.  I love you more than I ever dreamed I could love someone I've never seen face to face.  And I will spend every moment, for as long as I walk this good earth, loving you, protecting you, listenening to you, and wishing and dreaming for you.  And hopefully one day I can also find the words to explain to you that you were never ANYTHING so blasphemous as an accident.  You are the Gift that I waited so VERY long to recieve. 

You are my miracle of miracles.  And the hardest thing I have ever had to do is wait. . .until I can hold you.

Love you forever, until the stars cease to shine,
Your Mama

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