I woke up grouchy today.
I know that I woke up grouchy because, upon opening my eyes at 7 a.m.,---7 a.m.!! The baby let me sleep past 6!!---to see the sun shining gently through the curtains, and to hear the birds (that have only recently come back for the spring) chirping in a thousand different voices outisde my window, my first thought was: %$#@#*& birds! Shut UP, birds!
Now here I sit, at the computer, trying to wake up. Devin is here with us for the next week while his mom is on vacation, and he is currently chattering away non-stop in the den while he watches Looney Toons, and taking brief breaks from said Toons to ask me very important questions to which I generally have no good answer. . . .Why DOES Bugs Bunny call everyone 'Doc'? Hell if I know. But 'Hell if I know' is not a reasonable answer to a question from an inquisitive and dear 5 year-old.
***Sidenote: As I was watching the new Looney Toons with him not too long ago, we saw an episode in which Daffy Duck was babysitting his girlfriend's baby duck. So. . .in our most wholesome cartoons now, ducks are having babies out of wedlock. . . .do ducks marry? Big questions. Either way, I'm just not sure how to feel about it.***
As is our custom in this house, Pop-Tarts have been distributed, the baby has been fed Key Lime Pie flavored yogurt (his favorite), baths have been taken, and I've even made the bed. (I have also plied the baby with Honey Nut Cheerios in order to keep him occupied long enough for me to write this. Here's hoping he doesn't tire of them anytime soon.) He is, at the moment, quite an abominable mess. And I am, at the moment, quite okay with that.
So Michael is at work, I'm quite sure there is coffee somewhere in my near future, and I'm just sitting here trying to decide what to do with my day. . .
I'm sure all the usual things will happen: Naps will be taken, lunches will be made, clothes will be folded, and I have already made promises of playing Devin's Madagascar video game with him. I have a new magazine that came in the mail a few days ago that I have yet to page through, and several new library books that I haven't gotten to yet. One fiction, that I have been GREATLY looking forward to reading (but am simply not in the mood to at the moment), and several instructional books on everything from knitting to crotcheting to repurposing old sweaters into new and incredibly clever and useful gifts. All things that I have no idea how to do, but I like to browse through them and imagine the possibilities all the same. Oh, and there has been talk (inside my head) of possibly trying my hand at making apple fritters today.
And for some reason, despite all these things, my mind today will just not let me rest. . . .Do you ever feel like you just need a break from your brain? (I know you do. I can't be the only one.)
I am very much aware (VERY MUCH aware) of what a great luxury it is to be able to have this life that I am currently living.
I think I always just thought that everything 'normal'---a happy relationship, children, a happy home---just came easily to everyone else. And I envied them. I envied the SO much. Because it seemed like I could just never quite figure it out. That magical and elusive formula that would one day make me one of The Lucky.
And now here I am: I have a home that I love. LOVE. It is cozy and lovely and the walls are painted in colors that I find soothing, and there are a million things I want to do with it and the yard.
I have a husband that I ADORE. There's no rock star, actor, model or Greek god that I have seen since the moment that I met him that I thought "I'd rather have THAT guy." He's gorgeous. He's funny. He's upstanding, and he's kind. He's my best friend. And he is absolutely EVERYTHING that I have ever wanted. Not to mention, he gave me this gorgeous little blue-eyed baby that makes every day of my life complete =)
And, just to add the cherry on top, I get to spend every day just taking care of these people that I love. I have time to read, to play, to cook. . . to do whatever I want.
And yet this morning I woke up and realized that I am still Seeking.
What am I seeking?
Well, THAT is the question that I am still trying to answer. (Much like the 'Doc' question, Hell-if-I-know is not going to cut it.)
But I guess it's just what everyone else is seeking: a greater understanding. A sense of purpose. Or, if not that, then an acceptance of your purpose. (We can't all have the lead in the play.)
I think it was Einstein that said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that there are two types of people in the world: Those to whom either everything is a miracle. . .or nothing is.
And I'm happy to say that I belong to the former, not the latter. I look at my spouse, I look at my child, I look at rainwater dripping off the leaves after a really good downpour. . .and I'm. . . overcome. Like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty---sometimes there's just so MUCH beauty in the world. I can hardly process it.
And let me tell you---it is exhausting, this state of near-constant amazement.
So this line of thought brings me again to the idea of God.
Scientists tell us (could be physicists, I don't know, so I'll just use the blanket term 'scientist') that when you break down everything into its smallest form, amid all the protons, neutrons, and electrons, the vast majority of what EVERYTHING is made up of is just. . .empty space.
Empty spaces in between everything else.
So. . .what if that 'space'. . . is God?
Then that would mean that God is IN everything. In absolutely everything. And that everyone from the Native Americans to the Na'vi were right: It is ALL sacred. Every bit of it.
So.
I'm not sure exactly where that fits into my day, but it's something to think about, I guess.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go remove several dozen Cheerios from my son's clothing and person =)
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