Saturday, January 19, 2013

Telling It Like It IS

Just for the record, I have never been one of those people that takes great pride in "telling it like it IS."

This is NOT to say that I haven't, from time to time, and much more frequently than I would prefer, put my size 8 foot completely INSIDE my mouth.  I am a MASTER of doing that, and even if I take into account the agonizing pain of a really bad toothache. . . I will still name verbally and unintentionally making an ass out of myself as one of the worst pains imagineable.  (It just hurts so DEEP!)

But even with this near-terminal case of foot-in-mouth disease, I have never been one of those people that, generally upon your first meeting, introduces themselves as someone who "tells it like it is."  (Too often, I have found that this is merely code for:  I am about to hurt your feelings.  A LOT.)

I know several of these people.  Quite a lot, in fact.  With more than a few of them making up some of the supportive branches in my family tree. . .  And if I think of each one of them in turn, I can't think of a single one that would argue this point with me:  There's a fine line between speaking your mind and being the "sassy little spitfire", and having no filter whatsoever and thus morphing into the "raving psychotic preparing to burn down the homes of their enemies."

Now I am NOT judging the tell-it-like-is-ers.  I'm not.  I will readily say that their way is not my way.  But does that make MY way better?  The short answer is No.  It does not.  And I'll tell you why.  MY way has historically worked out to be this:  I will get mad about something, and take it home with me.  I'll shoot off at the mouth, in the comfort of my car or kitchen, and pepper anything within a 6 foot radius with swears that would make the proverbial sailor blush.  Then I will think on it.  From a period of anywhere from one day to 18 years.  And, when and if the opportunity presents itself, I will completely, and without a nanosecond's hesitation, unload every ounce of fury that I possess onto the hapless victim that has, by now, completely forgotten about the time that they finished off all the salad dressing when I OBVIOUSLY wanted some more. . .

(God I hate bitches like that.)

And, if you've never been around to witness it, I'll just tell you: 
It's too much.

Thankfully, it hasn't happened THAT often. . . but when it HAS. . . well. . . I'll just put it this way:  The few times when it HAS happened, those are the times that keep me awake at night.  Those are the times that, when I can't sleep, the way I behaved at those critical moments comes back to dance in my mind to some Tim McGraw or Men Without Hats tune that I simply CANNOT get out of my head, and to horrify me over and over again with moments that hurt someones' feelings.  Moments that I cannot get back.

And deep regret is never a good thing to carry around.

So. . . maybe the tell-it-like-is-ers have figured out part of it that I have not, yet.  Maybe everybody needs a pressure valve on the side of their head (possibly located behind the ear? That's a nice, out of the way spot.) that they can release when things start getting too pushy and shovey up top.  And BECAUSE they do this, they never have a need to verbally eviscerate another human, then kick their entrails aside as they make their way to their car.

I don't know.  These are big questions, and I am just one small person.  I simply cannot say for sure.

But here's what I CAN say.

I have a lot of fine qualities, as human beings go.  I can be compassionate, I can be incredibly kind, I'm generally perfectly satisfied with what I have, and I'm fairly easy going.

. . . You may want to note that "I am very patient and never irritable" did not make that list. . .

As for irritability. . . I'm not trying to make it sound as though I am perpetually pissy, because I'm not.  I love to laugh and be goofy and play. . . it's just that I happen to have absolutely no patience whatsoever for laziness, or ignorance, or whininess.  (This is one reason that I never watch the news anymore:  It's just eaten up with whiny morons.  Makes me too mad.  Or possibly weepy.  So I get most of my news from Comedy Central now.)

Pair that with the fact that I generally do not VENT these agitated feelings for fear that I might unintentionally offend or hurt someone else (and then I'll have to lay awake at night, feeling bad about it), and what you have is a powder keg that is in serious danger of going off, should some Jehovah's Witness ring my doorbell before I've finished my coffee.  Oh, the bloodbath. . .  OH!  The HORROR. . .

And so. . . I've decided that today is going to be my Vent Day.

I'm just going to let it all out.

Things that I have been thinking for several months, and, for one reason or another, have not felt comfortable in expressing.

So some of these may apply to you.  If so. . . who cares? 

This is merely my attempt at a PUBLIC SERVICE.

You know---so I don't explode one day, like a meth lab in the sticks.

Here goes.

1.)  Be a Big Girl. 
If you are over the age of twenty, I expect you to act like an adult.  (Trust me, I'm as surprised as YOU are that this made #1.)  This means NOT whining constantly about relationships that are or are not working out in your life, NOT being passive agressive when things DON'T go your way, and basically just sucking it up, like the rest of us Adults do, and making the best of it.

A sidenote:  If you have recently split with your significant other and, a month later you are still bellyaching to anyone that will listen, and wondering how you are going to go on. . . I have serious concerns for you.  What are you going to do when you hit SERIOUS trouble in life??  (Because it hits everyone, eventually.)  How are you going to behave when you have a REAL crisis??  And honestly, I have to feel a little bad for you.  Because the only reason you could moan so long and so loud over something so MINOR is that you've never had anything MAJOR come along to upset your delicate balance.  And if you've never had anything bad like that happen before. . . then duck and cover, honey.  Because you are SERIOUSLY overdue.

2.)  Keep Private Stuff Private.
Why do I need to know if you're gay?  Why do I need to know what you and your husband fought about last night?  Why do I need to know that you haven't had sex in 6 months, or that your husband takes testosterone injections?


So for the love of God----Keep it to YOURSELF!!

Now, if you have known me for any length of time, you will know that I am NOT a prude.

I'm a hedonist.  I like to be happy.  I like to have fun.  (Sometimes I have had TOO much fun.)  But there are just some things that don't HAVE to be discussed with the world at large.

It's called decorum.  (Look it up.)

But basically I'm just saying that this tendency to over-share does not serve any positive PURPOSE.

If I know you, if I know how you behave, how you treat me, how you treat your children, how you treat your family, how you treat your waiter. . . then that's pretty much ALL I need to know.  It's not necessary that I know which way you swing.  It's not necessary that I'm aware of all your health complaints, or even which church you frequent.  If you are kind and accepting to me and mine, then I will be kind and accepting to you and yours.  If I need to know more---I'll ask.

End of conversation.

3.)  Are You Kidding Me?
I was going to name this section Practice What You Preach. . . but that seemed a little too narrow a net.  So this section is for the people that I look at and all I can think is:  Are you KIDDING me??

If you spend 6 days a week griping, complaining, and generally bemoaning the sickening and sorry state of your life, and then on the 7th day you make sure everyone is aware that YOU ARE HEADED TO CHURCH, then I really MUST say this:

Either YOU are not paying attention, or YOU are at the WRONG CHURCH.

(As a dislclaimer I will state that yes, I am AWARE that church-going folk experience the same trials and tribulations as everyone else.  I know that.  What I am talking about are the people that seem perpetually freaking MISERABLE, then feel it necessary to make sure everyone knows what church they go to.  Either your church isn't working, or you're in the wrong place.  So stop being a horrible advertisement for your religion.)

4.  Politico?  NO!!!

I could care less about your political leanings.


I can almost guarantee that they are different from mine, and I just don't care.  If we're friends, then it is because I liked you enough to look past it, and vice versa.  So kindly stop throwing it in my face every chance you get, because it is pissing me off.

Yes.  You have a right to your opinions.  But seriously---is that the MOST important thing going on in your life??  You really think I'm NOT aware of what is going on in Washington??  You REALLY think you're EDUCATING everyone??

Get your head out of your ass.

We ALL have opinions.  You know whose opinions I like the most?
The people who keep it to themselves. 

If I don't KNOW where you stand on the hot-button issues of our time?  Then I think you and I are right where we should be.  May the road rise to meet you, friend.  Keep on keeping on.

Tell you what, why don't *I* spout off at the mouth like I see people do EVERY DAY?

Why don't *I* start a conversation with "Militant Christians fly in the face of everything your Lord stood for.  Discuss."

Or "Who would Jesus bomb?  Discuss."

. . . .
. . . anyone left who's still reading?  ;)

So that was a little extreme, but I still think it needed to be said.

But that's it.  The end of my little rant.  And maybe I've gotten the pressure in my brain equalized enough so that I only have to do this every year or so.  That would be nice.

Oh, and if I have pissed you off with this, I would like to say from the bottom of my heart that I am completely unrepentant.

Go defriend me on facebook.

I've been watching Catfish on mtv. . .  I've got like 20 more accounts anyway.



  1. I really do love you. Like, a lot. We absolutely have to get together ASAP.

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  3. Right back at you!!

    I miss you!!

    We are going to Workplay tomorrow night but other than that we have nothing on the horizon. I would LOVE to get together!!