Thursday, January 24, 2013

Why Did You Do That?? And Other Mysteries Solved

Today's post is an open letter to my husband.

It just occurred to me, moments ago, in our kitchen, as I put the glass of soda that I had JUST POURED back into the fridge and went about making a pot of noon-time coffee, that, if my dear husband had been standing in the kitchen when all of this happened, I would be sidelined for quite a while as I proceeded to answer his many questions. 

Why did you DO that?  Why did you pour yourself a soda only to put it away and THEN make a pot of coffee?  This makes no sense!  Why did you DO THAT?!?!  What was going on in your head??

(Tiresome, and largely rhetorical, questions, to be sure.)

But instead of just dismissing them, today I decided to linger over them.  Because I am growing weary of the What WERE You Thinking? Game.  And it occurs to me now that my husband, perhaps, is NOT merely being a garden variety asshole by giving me the business with all the (what *I* consider to be fault-finding, and incredibly judgemental) queries.  No, today, right here in my kitchen, I had one of those moments of clarity, much like the moment when The Grinch's heart grows three times it's original size.  Except that I merely experienced certain realizations.  My heart did NOT grow to three times it's original size.  No, that should probably be treated as a severe medical condition, to any beings that are not relegated to two dimensions.  That would be the kind of situation where the word "emergency" might get thrown around a lot.  So let me be clear in stating that that did NOT happen to me today.

But it was a moment of clarity nonetheless, because, for the first time ever, I thought to myself:  Hmm.  Maybe he REALLY wants to know.

So who am I to stand in the way of a sense of better understanding???  I think we can all agree that I now have a moral obligation to enlighten him.  And so I shall.

To begin with, when trying to answer the ages old psychological puzzle-box of Why Did You Do That/What Were You Thinking?, I think I should first make it known that there is almost never merely ONE, pat, one-size-fits-most kind of answer.  So I think I will delve into each possibility individually.


1.)  I Was Probably Distracted. 

This happens a lot more often than I intend.

What you probably need to understand (and if you already 'understand' it, then hooray!  You're halfway there! Now all you need to do is understand it BETTER.) is that I have a RICH, and quite intricate, fantasy life.  And it is happening 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  At this very moment, there are roughly 9 different plot lines (for stories and novels and screenplays and children's books and cautionary tales) that I am currently "fleshing out."  (Seriously.  Nine.  I counted them.)  And as I wander around everyday, doing my random, menial chores, running this errand or that, or setting the world on fire through the passion of my dancing, there is always a part of me (sometimes a larger portion than I would like, and occasionally the part that controls the 'logic' center of my brain) that is actively participating in another life entirely.  I am taking care of my grandmother's farm during the day, and brushing up on hand-to-hand combat at night.  I am leading a class on guided meditation for middle-school aged children in my garage, and I am beginning to suspect that my star pupil may be a Jedi.  I am a powerful (but essentially 'good') sorceress, touring the western United States with my son, solving mysteries and stealing hearts.  I am a secret member of the Rebel Alliance, and the revelation of my secret would mean my death, and the death of many innocent freedom fighters.  I'm a rock star, I'm a talking cat, I'm Hunter S. Thompson.

And those are just the ones I can remember right NOW.  So, as you can clearly see, there's really just a LOT going on up there.

So, occasionally, if I walk into a wall at such a time that said action was easily avoidable, or I don't realize that you just asked me a question, or I behave in a manner that leads you to believe that I recently encountered a hypno-toad. . . please.  Just do me a favor and remember to practice your patience.  Because, honestly, it's no minor miracle that I've managed to figure out which of my realities is actually 'real.'  So show a little respect, huh?

2.)  I Thought The Situation Called For Reevaluation.

I like to read books of quotations.  Famous quotations, Shakespearean quotations, whatever.  I'm not sure what this says about me as a person, and I don't particularly care.  Anyway, at some point in my rich and storied life, I must've read a quote that inspired me to believe that it is a strength, NOT a weakness, to take time to reevaluate your position, and then make adjustments as needed.  I'm not sure who said it, or where I read it.  And once again, I do not care.  But it is a sentiment that has stuck with me to this day, and one that I find invaluable.

It is merely Fate's twisted sense of humor that this valuable sentiment leads to exchanges that my husband, ultimately, tends to find irritating and completely unacceptable.

Example:  I return from the grocery store, where I have purchased, among other things, Mt. Dew and pineapple juice.  I immediately prepare for myself a glass of a mixture of the two.  (Because I like this.  Mt. Dew and pineapple juice is delightfully refreshing.  If you haven't tried it, then you should probably broaden your horizons, instead of sitting there and judging me.)  As I am walking around with my tasty beverage, it occurs to me that I am still unbelievably sleepy, and it is a LONG time til bedtime.  Hmmm. 

It is at THIS time, precious, that I reevaluate the entire situation.

And THAT is what leads me to conclude that making a pot of coffee is REALLY the only PRUDENT thing to do.

Yes.  I feel very 'correct' in my logic.  (You should probably get on board right now.  I'd hate for you to feel left out later on.)

3.)  I Might Be In Love With Robert Downey Jr.

I'm really not sure what relevance, if any, that this has on the issue at hand.  I simply felt that I would be remiss if I neglected to mention it.

4.)  It Needed To Be Done

This section actually comes with a prerequisite understanding that, yes.  I have an innate, and ultimately unerring, sense of the balance of the universe.  I just understand, in all ways and at all times, how things SHOULD BE, and how I, personally, could line up MY life with the flow of fate ("flow of fate"---just coined that term.  Feel free to use it.  Also--possibly the next great band's name.) in order to either expedite change, or allow for the least amount of friction possible.

It is really QUITE a heavy burden.

But do you ever hear me complain?!?

No.  You do not.  (At least not about THIS.)  I like to think that I'm far too dignified to complain, but really it's probably something more like laziness on my part, because it'd just take far too long to explain to everyone My Great Gift, and how it's really quite a burden, and how I bear it with such dignity.  Nay.  I bear it with GRACE.

Yes.  I think that sounds right.

Example:  I breeze into the kitchen while you are making dinner.  (Because that's how our life is:  You don't trust me to cook, I spend my days just 'breezing' around.)  You are talking, the baby is playing, and then. . . I sense it.

The kitchen needs someone to shake their ass in it.

It NEEDS to happen.

I can FEEL IT.

I hesitate.

I look to you.  You're still cooking and talking, oblivious to the needs of the Universe. 

I glance at the baby.  For a moment, I feel that he MIGHT have some sense of cosmic understanding, that PERHAPS he has translated the Universe's call. . . but decide that it was just gas.  Also he has, to date, shown no signs that he possesses the coordination to dance.

And so it is up to me.

And suddenly I BOUNCE from my perch on the counter and perform just an EXPLOSION OF RHYTHM in the center of our kitchen floor. 

I am Movement.  I am Joy.  I am Passion.  I am shaking what my mama gave me, and I am giving NO THOUGHT to the consequences.


And I didn't see anyone else stepping up.

So I took Life by the horns, and without a moment's hesitation, I proceeded to shake it like I was trying to break it.


There you have it.

I hope that this brief essay proves helpful in your effort to better understand how I think, and why I do the batshit, seemingly illogical, things I do.

If I had to boil it down into just ONE, key, take-it-with-you kind of thought, I'd say it's all about my sense of responsibility to my fellow man.

. . .And if I had to break it down into just TWO key thoughts, I'd definitely say that you just have to let your hips off the leash.  Pretend like you're Shakira.  Don't be a slave to the beat. 


But there are no hard-and-fast rules---it's really different for everybody.

Maybe the Universe wants me to dance in the kitchen, maybe the Universe just wants you to take out the trash.

I'm only a seeker.

And an interpretive dancer that believes it all depends on your interpretation.


1 comment:

  1. You are SO awesome. I wish I had a YOU dancing in my kitchen while I cook.